no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
