just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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