Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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