Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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