so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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