someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
