Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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