I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
