can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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