I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Also, beer. Big fan.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
