i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
