It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
