i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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