I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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