The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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