we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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