the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
