Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
