dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
