seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just cut my nipple shaving
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
