When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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