if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
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