my room smells like sperm. sweet.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
