I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
