i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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