Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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