yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
