I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
