I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
