I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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