feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
