All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
