She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
