A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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