My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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