He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
