why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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