My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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