I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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