I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
