Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm like, not good at living.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
