my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
