Buhtt sex?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
