I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He felt like a one man threesome
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
