I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
