my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
