He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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