I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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