im drinking this country out of the recession.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
