Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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